Los días inútiles son como una costra
de mugre sobre el alma.
Hay una asfixia lenta que sonríe,
que olvida, que se calla.
¿Quién me pone estos sapos en el pecho
cuando no digo nada?
Hay un idiota como yo andando,
platicando con gentes y fantasmas,
echándose en el lodo y escarbando
la mierda de la fama.
Puerco de hocico que recita versos
en fiestas familiares, donde mujeres sabias
hablan de amor, de guerra,
resuelven la esperanza.
Puerco del mundo fácil
en que el engaño quiere hacer que engaña
mientras ácidos lentos
llevan el asco a la garganta.
Hay un hombre que cae días y días
de pie, desde su cara,
y siente que en su pecho van creciendo
muertes y almas.
Un hombre como yo que se avergüenza,
que se cansa,
que no pregunta porque no pregunta
ni quiere nada.
¿Qué viene a hacer aquí tanta ternura fracasada?
¡Díganle que se vaya!




-Sabines.









No hay amor aquí. No es para mi.
Tal vez lo extrañe, lo amé, y lo amo
pero vivire con ese sentimiento
vasillo, cruel, real.

Me llena.

Qué costumbre tan salvaje esta de enterrar a los muertos, ¡de matarlos, de aniquilarlos, de borrarlos de la tierra! Es tratarlos alevosamente, es negarles la posibilidad de revivir.

Yo siempre estoy esperando a que los muertos se levanten, que rompan el ataúd y digan alegremente: ¿por qué lloras?

Por eso me sobrecoge el entierro. Aseguran las tapas de la caja, la introducen, le ponen lajas encima, y luego tierra, tras, tras, tras, paletada tras paletada, terrones, polvo, piedras, apisonando, amacizando, ahí te quedas, de aquí ya no sales.

Me dan risa, luego, las coronas, las flores, el llanto, los besos derramados. Es una burla: ¿para qué lo enterraron?, ¿por qué no lo dejaron fuera hasta secarse, hasta que nos hablaran sus huesos de su muerte? ¿O por qué no quemarlo, o darlo a los animales, o tirarlo a un río?

Habría que tener una casa de reposo para los muertos, ventilada, limpia, con música y con agua corriente. Lo menos dos o tres, cada día, se levantarían a vivir.

I love these two.










Me tienes en tus manos
y me lees lo mismo que un libro.
Sabes lo que yo ignoro
y me dices las cosas que no me digo.
Me aprendo en ti más que en mi mismo.
Eres como un milagro de todas horas,
como un dolor sin sitio.
Si no fueras mujer fueras mi amigo.
A veces quiero hablarte de mujeres
que a un lado tuyo persigo.
Eres como el perdón
y yo soy como tu hijo.
¿Qué buenos ojos tienes cuando estás conmigo?
¡Qué distante te haces y qué ausente
cuando a la soledad te sacrifico!
Dulce como tu nombre, como un higo,
me esperas en tu amor hasta que arribo.
Tú eres como mi casa,
eres como mi muerte, amor mío.

I havent been online that much lately.
or atleast livejournal.
my boyfriend broke up with me.
i may have acted quite difficult and selfish these last couple of weeks.
we never saw each other, it bothered me.
-sigh-

i dont know what to do now.
its sudden.

sometimes i dont know how to come back to myself.
i think im losing it.

but there is nothing better than observing how after
a drink
they fly away almost desperate and yet do so in the most gracefull manner
to blend into the sky,
traveling further away
to become nothing but a microscopic speck among the clouds.
the thought of following comes and goes
but the realization of the improbability dawns on me
with the warmth that he gives me. sometimes.

while im not sure if its love, i know i appreciate and care
for him.

There were some days when i would have arms around my waist and fingers inbetween my own and still by myself,
Kissing cheeks goodbye to go home alone
falling asleep with the radio on because i was so tired of the empty spaces in my room
asking whats missing inside of me

a few days ago i was observing the rays of the sun and how beautifully they blended in the puddles of water
that my momma makes when she waters the backyard.
and it made me realize that you dont have to be inlove to notice those beautiful moments
but being inlove makes you laugh at those sad moments that you know.

i removed people who never update their ljs.

i smoked some marijuana without having prior knowledge that it was laced with pcp.
im completely bothered, i never considered intoxicating my body with such lowlife & dangerous substance.
definitely not happy about being tricked into this whole mess.
i cant function as a normal human being, but i feel that im getting a bit better (i still have horrible flashbacks, though)
ive been experiencing drastic mood swings. i might have come close to total mental derrangement.
surely my friends are completely bothered by all the immoderate babbling ive been responsible for these last two days.

im tired of my current boyfriend, everything is getting too mushy.
ive got my eyes on someone else, you know who you are.

post script: kids, dont take bud laced with angel dust, YOU WILL REGRET IT.

I shaved everywhere youve been, boy.

Some people say that it takes the same amount of time that you shared with someone in order to let go. (which in my case i would have to mourn for 3 years?) most definitely false, because it took me 3 months or so to let go of any feelings that held me prisoner to my ex boyfriend.
and the events that took place this past week helped me a lot too. i have no feelings towards him whatsoever.
the feeling (or lack of in this case...) frightens me quite a bit. what should i do now?

whats so great about deep thoughts?
no more toking for atleast a month!

post script: take your drama to your momma.

oh im through with all of this even if its lovely, so ill just go to my bed and hallucinate some more. no problem. if you excuse me, but i will place myself in quarantine for the next few weeks until i start work. shes contagious with malice and acerbity i say. goodbye.

drink a lot of coffee, drink a lot of coffee, take a lot of medication and smoke, smoke, smoke to kill my lungs.

( oh what a hottie! )

Awe I felt bad for ferni today because only 4 guys showed up for the gig. hahaha. Elilia was the only one that went Vanessa had to stay home and I couldnt contact Penny. & uh Dalila and Silvia didnt come this weekend like they said they would. as for the other guys peludo and them.... ummm i dunno what happened i guess ferns was awitado, but atleast they got to play. mmm :S also one cop showed up and told them to stop, it was hella funny.

afterwards we went to the dunes and i passed out so i couldnt take pictures. now im all energized cuz i slept all the time we were over there. mmm anyway... im going to hotlink these pictures that my friend sent to me, im just too lazy to upload them to my own photobucket hehe. they were taken a while back ago.

( October Pictures )

I realized that Im disconcertingly straightforward in my words as well as in my actions.
I dont smile, or laugh out of politeness.
the principles of right conduct are foreign to me, but surely those who love me understand.
or should.
I enjoy wearing pants while im at the beach and i enjoy being barefoot. what more can i say?
most of all i enjoy talking to elilia.
i catched up on gossip with penny today, i wasnt so enthusiastic about hearing certain stuff. but i guess overall it was fun.

this morning;

i crusted my way to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face, tore apart my closet searching for the most haggard attire i could muster up.

i ended up wearing my "here comes trouble" black shirt and black cut-off dickies. my hair remained untouched, in its full glory of shaggy unkemptness. i did not protest, or even attempt to beat it into submission.
makeup has become a foreign object.

i am becoming a slob once again. time traveling is not allowed but experiences like these somehow take me back. this significant experience took me back to my senior year of highschool. remember? i was a total wreck to the eyes. my physical appearance was displeasing and i loved it.

anyway;

Ive finally unfettered myself from the united states' army of mass murder.
but of course, does this mean that ill have to start classes at ivc for the mean time?
theres absolutely nothing wrong with ivc, i just never planned on getting my education there.
however, with the dearth of financial means now that i set myself free, i wont be able to pay my way through college in san diego. everything is way too expensive over there.
silvia wants me to move to phoenix with her, because she needs a roommate... but honestly i havent looked into any colleges over there... its complicated to start now, and i dont know if my car will make it all the way over there.... it is a 4 1/2 hour drive. but it seems that, that is the most logical and accessible plan that i cam take advantage of for now.
anyway i am just happy that i finally found a way to chapter out of the military.



i love how elilia calls me at insane hours of the night just to whisper "bebeh i love you"
she is the only one that alleviates my mind when im feeling most stressed. cant wait till she comes back to the valley. i love here i love her i love her.

( pictures )

mother left to fiestas del sol in mex on sat. and she still hasnt come back, which i find pretty weird. also the kids left with her, and isnt today a school day and such?

im just trying to think for myself again.
but the only thing im coming up with
are the words of others.

here we go again, a copy of a copy of a copy.
when will i realize that i need to say something new instead of this ridiculous & constant reiteration.
wait, i dont even know what i'm blathering on about.

although today: i was actually productive,
i still feel completely stationary.
completely stuck.

no need for expletives, & this week has rules.

dont worry, i don't even make sense to myself anymore & my sporadic use of punctuation is just as puzzling to me in retrospect as it is to you at first glance.


& i've officially said absolutely nothing i sat down to say.